I’m sitting in the chemo room watching others get their treatments. Some are getting fluids, some iron, and some are getting chemo. The nurses are walking in and out taking care of the beeping of the machines, putting in IVs, getting blankets and pillows for the patients, giving specific chemo treatments, and taking out IVs. It’s all so surreal. Here are sick people who have cancer and yet we are putting poison into their bodies. Which is worse?

I have such conflicting emotions.

I like to fix things. The idea of putting something bad into someone to make them better seems a bit abnormal. I know cancer is bad, but is it really normal for me to sit and smile at all the people as they get poison put into their bodies? After seeing this a few times, I would now have to say “yes”.

God has often used the things in my life I perceive to be bad as a healing process for me. I might go through difficult times that seem poisonous to me and I will be drawn to God. I believe this is how God intended for our relationship to be: a close one. Do I believe God has caused this “bad thing” in my life? No.

Life is hard whether I’m a follower of Christ, a follower of Allah, or a follower of this world. Why? I have the ability to choose “for” God or choose “against” God. We all have free choice, or free will. This was given to us by God. He does not desire a fake relationship with us where we always choose Him. He desires for us to want Him and to want to choose Him. Because we did not always choose Him, though, we have sin and therefore disease in our lives.

When I struggle with my conflicting emotions I have to stop and think that they are just that: emotions. I then wonder why I’m feeling this way and if the feelings are simply an emotion or something telling me I might need to change something in my life. Either way, I must take all emotions to God. Emotions come and go, but my God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I take my conflicting emotions to God and filter them through His truth so I know how best to deal with them.

Can you imagine the conflicting emotions God must have had knowing I would choose “against” Him at times? God helps me to deal with my conflicting emotions and I choose to choose Him during this time; therefore, in this room, I will continue to smile to those around me.

What specific thing works for you in dealing with your conflicting emotions?

© 2016 Susan M. Sims

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