My son has been having headaches all summer long. We have been able to attribute it to various viruses and infections, so I wasn’t thinking too much of it until the doctor mentioned the possibility of a CT scan. Now, this might not seem like a big deal to most, but the very mention of the CT scan brought me back to when he was younger. By the time my child was three he had more test and doctors than most people have in their lifetime. He had a hard time. His having a hard time made it a hard time for his family and his “momma”. I felt every shot, needle, cry and struggle for breath. I redid our entire eating patterns of our family when we found out about the life-threatening food allergies. It wasn’t an easy walk in the park to say the least. So, when I found out we might be going down the path of a CT scan, I decided I would get a second opinion (a.k.a. I was stalling).
We got our second opinion and an appointment was made for our CT scan. The night before our scan was Wednesday evening. I help in the kids’ department and just hang out with the kids. I suddenly realized as we walked into church that the test was tomorrow and I was thinking of the “what ifs”. I wasn’t really focusing on God’s protection. My faith was wavering. As the worship time began I started to sing along with the kids as I always do. But, then the song Thankful came on and I suddenly couldn’t sing. Read the following words:
“I like to think about the goodness of the Lord. He gives me everything I need and so much more. So I just want to lift my hands and say that I love Him. I just want to lift my heart in praise. I wanna be thankful. I want to be grateful. I want to remember everything that the Lord has done. I wanna be thankful. I wanna be grateful. I wanna be. I wanna be. I wanna be.“ (By Jay Stocker. (c)2008 Group Publishing Inc.)
I really had a hard time singing the song because I wasn’t doing what the song said. How hypocritical, I thought. I couldn’t believe how convicted I was becoming as I was helping the kids learn more about God! Oh, dear, the doubts just weren’t subsiding, but I prayed God would give me the strength to believe in Him once more. I started calming down and felt I would be fine.
The lesson then began and my son complained of his head hurting once again. I then prayed a prayer of thankfulness that we were addressing the situation. At the end of the lesson the children’s pastor asked the kids if anyone had changed their life. My son mentioned I had changed his life as I had saved him once when he couldn’t breathe. Hmmm…it was only a shot I gave him, but, yeah, it did save his life. I never really thought of it that way, but, thanks, son for bringing back more memories of the hard times. So, the worries were beginning once again when I noticed my son scooting over my way. He put his arm around me and said, “Just think, Mom, how boring your life would be without me”. I laughed and then thought, “Wow, God, you really have a sick sense of humor!”
It’s amazing and sad to me to think that over a course of an hour I had wavered, felt strengthened, and wavered again before my son had to bring everything into perspective. I was thinking about what had been and what could have been instead of thinking of the goodness of the Lord. I was thinking about what I would have to do and go through instead of remembering He gives me everything I need and so much more. I wasn’t acknowledging God in the situation and was filled with doubts instead of lifting my heart in praise. I was asking God for more and more instead of being thankful and grateful for all He’s already done in my life. So, I prayed that night as I went to bed that I would be thankful and grateful for all He’s already done in my life no matter the outcome of the test. My son’s scan came back as a manageable outcome. My life is definitely not boring because of him. More importantly, though, “I wanna be grateful”.
© 2012 Susan M. Sims
Image courtesy of stockdevil at freedigitalphotos.net
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