Hi. I’m Susan. I’m a diabetic. There, I said it…I’m flawed! I really hate that! I hate that I’m flawed. For some reason, unknown to the best of researchers, my body decided one day to attack itself so that it could no longer function properly. I was going about my business, work as usual, when out of the blue things just were not going well. I knew something was not right, but I just didn’t know where to turn. I was sick; very sick.

I don’t know why, but I have this fairy tale story inside of myself that keeps thinking I can somehow do something or somehow do something better and I will magically live a perfectly happy and fulfilling life. I dream of my blood sugars being in the 80s and 90s (very good numbers indeed). I will be completely satisfied, I will completely be happy and content, I will be…I will be…I will be…  Self. It’s all about self.

Adam and Eve knew how I felt. They were going about their business when out of the blue a serpent came along and told them all was not going well. Adam and Eve chose to believe and sin came into the world. That very sin attacked everything God had created. He intended for all humanity to live in harmony with Him just like my pancreas is supposed to live in harmony with the rest of my body. Once sin entered the world every human being became very sick. Sick with the disease of self.

Now, I know I’m not supposed to make every aspect of my life spiritual, but God has truly taught me a lot of practical things about myself and others through my diabetes. Let me share a few with you:

1. I cannot control everything in my life. Stress, sickness and hormones are all typically out of my control. I can only control how I will react to the matter presented to me. I can control that reaction by preparing in advance for what is to come. I can choose to exercise, I can eat healthy and I can get adequate amounts of sleep.
2. I will never be perfect. No matter how hard I try my blood sugar will never be just like in the commercials. Ugh…they are always a bit too perfect.
3. My body is my worst enemy and it’s just plain messed up! I could have the same meal 18 times in a row, but depending on my amount of sleep, the exercise I’ve done, the stress I’m under..they all affect my blood sugar in different ways and I will always end up with a different number.
4. I have to be patient with myself and others. Not only does this disease affect me, but it affects others. I treat them really well when my blood sugars are great. I treat them not so great when they are way high or low.

I think the most important thing I’ve learned through this process is that I tend to react to all aspects of my life, whether about blood sugars, dreams, disappointments or spiritual issues in the same matter.  You see,

1. I cannot control everything in my life. Sin is a real thing in our world and it affects me regardless of my participation. I can choose to react in a Christlike manner when circumstances arise. I can also choose to proactively prepare myself for situations. I can actively seek to live for God in every circumstance of my life. But, sadness and bad things might still happen to me.
2. I will (DEFINITELY) never be perfect. As much as I hate to say that as a perfectionist it truly is a bit of a relief.  Only God can be perfect. He is actively trying to teach me to relax in my flaws, which of course I tend to resist.
3. My human body is my worst enemy! My human body gets older every day and I’m tired. I have limitations on what I can and cannot do. I only have so much energy and I don’t always choose to spend that energy on the best things.
4. I have to be very patient because He’s still working on me! Likewise, He’s still working on others. Plus, I have to be patient with myself as I’m a mere human. One more reminder to self:  I’m not God.

I’ve had diabetes for almost 8 years now. I live and breathe it every day. The only thing of this world that allows me to live is insulin. So, insulin it is and insulin it will always be as long as I exist here on this earth! Spiritually speaking, the only thing giving me life is my relationship with God. I must live and breathe Him everyday to live because if I don’t I will be utterly exhausted as though I have an extremely high blood sugar. So where does that leave me?

Hi. I’m Susan. I’m a sinner. There, I said it…I’m flawed.

© 2012 Susan M. Sims

Image courtesy of Praisaeng at freedigitalphotos.net

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